1.27.2013

pour it out

photo credit - Heartlight, Inc. - www.heartlight.org
the message at church this morning was a simple one.  stop being selfish.  i'm pretty sure that the pastor was more tactful than that, but that was his point.  stop being selfish.  at the end of the message i knew i needed to ask the Lord "in what areas of my life am i being selfish?"

i didn't want to.

selfish.

my verse for this year is Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart;  Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any grievous way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

grr...deep breath

ok. "Lord - in what areas am i selfish?"

my time.  i am so very selfish of my time.  as a busy mom i don't have a lot of it to myself {trips to the bathroom do not count, and sadly even those times are seldom spent alone}, so when i do get a bit of time to myself i cherish it.  i relish every minute and i don't want to share it!  for one reason or another the past couple of weeks have been extra busy.  i have spent what is normally my free time helping others in one capacity or another.  that sounds oh so noble on the outside, but on the inside i was getting grumpy...grumpy, worn out, and even more selfish.  i wanted...nay...needed more "me" time!  Right!?  

WRONG!

as i sat in my church seat with one child on my lap and one on either side.  the Lord spoke.  not in words for my ears to hear, but in pictures of a beautifully familiar story from the old testament.  Elisha and the widow.  the widow who only had a small amount of flour, and a miserable amount of oil to make her last cake of bread.  the cake that would sustain her and her son for a few more days until the earth swallowed them back into dust.  

the Lord every so gently reminded me that when Elisha asked for her to make him a meal from her last remaining flour and oil, he gave no promises to replenish her stores.  she simply obeyed.  she poured out.  she gave, keeping nothing for the days to come.

then after her obedience the Lord blessed her with an abundance from his store house.

i hardly dared breath as the truth continued to flow over me.  as long as i selfishly held onto my measly hard earned minutes, refusing to pour out all that He has given me, then that is all i will have. measly minutes.  i need to, in obedience, pour out, expecting nothing in return.  then He will refresh me from His abundance.  He didn't promise to lengthen my days, but he will give me exactly what i need to serve Him always. 

before the day was over i was already able to see what the Lord had waiting for me.  i won't go into the details, {to save a small someone some embarrassment} but in the midst of a rather exhausting parenting moment, when i knew i had used almost all of my patience and i wanted to run away for just a little piece and quiet to catch my breath, i felt the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit - "keep going, pour it all out".  so i did.  i stopped everything else i was doing and loved on my little one.  and in that moment, when i had nothing left to give, He filled me with the perfect amount of wisdom, grace, and patience to see that child through the situation to the end.  and when it was all over, we hugged and smiled. instead of being exhausted - i felt alive.  pour it out. 
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1 comment:

Adrienne Barclay said...

Thanks for sharing jeni...this is just what I needed to hear. Adjusting to motherhood and being less selfish is my daily battle!